ESPERANZA

Submitted by Nadine Agliam

Hi Ma! 


Kamusta? Tuloy ka wag kang mahiyang pumasok char hahahahahah eme lang mudragon. 

It’s been 7 months ma, since you passed away, it’s been 7 months since you left your blazer on the rack, since your sandals were worn. It’s been 7 months since I visited you sa ICU , I vividly and painfully remember what you said “sinigang ulam ko, favorite mo yan diba? lika dito sa tabi ko mag lunch ka na” I broke down when you told me that, I couldn’t help not to. You had a hard time recognizing people that time, you can’t easily comprehend what was happening. But I saw it in your eyes, yung biglang naalala mo na si nads to, si basang mo. You quickly reached out for me, walang hesitation, there was an immediate reaction from you. Pero ako I was in shock, I was in awe. After all you went through, after all the ngts, the tubes, the painkillers, the machines, the operation, the tumor; Ako parin yung inaalala mo. Ako parin yung mauuna, it’s the simplest things, it’s in the shortest thoughts and it’s in the knowing smiles. You left without knowing how much I love you, without knowing the things I am willing to sacrifice for you, you left without hearing me say how happy I am how blessed I am na ikaw mama ko. 

Pero wala na eh, it’s too late. 

I am too late. 

Kulang yung alphabet, mauubos lahat ng metaphors bago ko masabi kung gano ako ka-thankful, kung gano ako naguiguilty, kung gano kabigat yung regrets ko. When we lose someone, we scan our minds for the most striking memories that we have, it’s where we seek for comfort, it’s where we try to relive the moment that we all know won’t ever happen again. We look for memories that was big, sentimental and sensational. We intricate things that we forget the loving moments in our everyday routine, the wonderfulness out of ordinary days. Kaya I’ll cherish the moments na you reprimanded me, I’ll cherish the breakfasts we had together, the teas that we drank, the laughs we shared and the way you looked at me whenever I said “corny jokes” (which you find hilarious btw), you will always be in my heart Mama, you are the reason behind my success, you are the reason why I write and you are and always will be my safe haven. I terribly miss you Mama, I love you.

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